Teh past, the labyrinth of dreams ...
Chapter 50 ...
Petra ...
In the last year, Ioana had tried all kinds of treatments to get pregnant. She felt that something was wrong, and her desperation to have a child had turned into a persistent and suffocating image that haunted her day and night, affecting her fragile psyche because of the thoughts imprinted in her mind about it. the desire to become a mother.
He had begun to take an interest in women past their early teens, in their co-workers, about the miraculous existence of a cure that would ennoble her with the maternity medal. As the treatments failed, Ioana went into a deep depression and began to isolate herself from everyone ... Yes, she had begun to be less open with Alex, she was afraid and shuddered at the scenarios that- they wandered his mind.
Alex, on the other hand, wanted to be able to encourage her, to be able to wake her from that numbness that had gripped her and wanted to get her out of the bottom of the abyss she had created, from that inner abyss filled to the brim with disappointments and regrets. , holding out his hand whenever he felt lost:
"Ioana, you were and are, the compass through which I guided my steps and the path within me, I will wander like a wanderer if you take me away from you, and you will not be able to recover if you do not speak to me, if you don't shout, if you don't throw everything that grinds you out of you! I know, you want a baby! I want it too, but this dream does not make me become selfish, to isolate myself from those around me as you do ... There are children on this earth waiting for us, there are children who want parents ... Have you ever considered the possibility that we too could adopt such a lost soul in the world?
Scream at me, look up at me, look up at the sky, tell me how you feel, how you are, what you need, learn to feel me again, learn to rediscover me, I am always with you, here! , Alex told him angrily in the moments when Ioana was silent for hours looking at the ceiling of the bedroom at a fixed point.
"I don't think you can understand me, Alex!" I'm afraid of getting lost in thought, of getting tired, of being bored with questions you don't know the answer to ... Yes, I'm aware that I've changed, but give me a little time and space , I want to reflect and make a decision about what you told me! ”, said Ioana.
"None of us are well, we suffer in silence, each smoldering like two volcanoes that are afraid of erupting after a period of calm, ready to cover ourselves with incandescent lava, hot and lethal ... I do not want to kill love ... I will help you relearn to smile with your eyes and reveal yourself to me as you once did. We will talk and listen to each other, I will not allow you to demonize your fear by internalizing yourself and letting yourself be taken over by it! I'm not the type of man who will ever ask you for something impossible, just for the sake of taking my name with blood in my blood! I can't believe that in your vision you see me able to ever blame you for something if we don't have our children. In any case, people carry their names with which they were born further beyond life or death, regardless of successes or failures. It is not the children who want to be born, but us, the people ... And those children abandoned by unconscious people who did not want them, those little ones abandoned for plausible reasons or not, need to find a hand stretched out to guide them with advice and give them love, to protect them and make them feel loved and useful.
Ioana, promise me that you will not suffer anymore and you will try to detach yourself from the idea that you must become a mother. You can be a mother and another child who will be happy to have you! I had a father, but you know how much I suffered! Sometimes I think that part of the childhood he stole was more beautifully lived by another child with a father who adopted him and respected him more than my biological father did. It is not right not to give a chance to a better life to a child who has never known the feeling of love, just because we cling to the idea that we must necessarily be the biological parents of a soul sent by God as a gift! I always ran away from my past! I know it's not your fault that I suffered, that I failed on the island of childhood full of sadness because of a man I remember so few beautiful things! I forgave my father, forgive you too, Ioana! ”, Alex begged looking at Ioana's face that did not show any startle or any trace of emotion or feeling ...
As time went on, Alex felt his wife's emotional state get out of hand.
He had heard in town talking about Dr. H, a gynecologist who was rumored to work miracles ...
,, Look, Ioana, the wife of my colleague, the drawing teacher, got pregnant due to the treatment prescribed by Dr. H. Would you like to talk to him? My colleague knows him well and if you feel the need, we will go with him and he will introduce us to this doctor. Maybe he will be our rescue, who knows? Do you want that, or will you think about what I've been proposing to you all this time? ”Alex said one evening.
"I'll think of both options, Alex!" I don't want you to think I'm selfish, but first I want to give myself an answer, then I will make a final decision! ”, Ioana answered ...
Two weeks had passed since the previous discussion, during which time Ioana did not seem to be in a relationship with anyone. Yes ... Neither Alex nor her parents. She had locked herself in a cage whose keys and padlock she carried with her, not allowing anyone to open it. Alex, he was more and more worried, so he appealed to his girlfriend's parents, who arrived in a hurry in the city of O to find out what was happening to their daughter. They found Ioana weak, but, curious, at the sight of them, her face began to glow. Ioana, after months of sadness pouring like a torrent over her, had taken on color in her sighed cheeks and began to smile more and more often. The few days of rest of Mrs. Geta and Mr. Costel, had brought back peace and quiet in the family of M. Sometimes, Alex made "my fault" and repeated to himself that Ioana was in those moments unrecognizable, another man and : "maybe I exaggerated in terms of Ioana's worries!".
But Mrs. Geta, with her curious and intuitive nature, due to the wisdom of the years worn with dignity on her shoulders, had noticed the great change of her daughter, even if she would not recognize anything and only mimicked the great happiness.
,, You are strong my girl, but you need help! Find your own window through which you can fly back to us! You moved away from Alex, me, my father, all of us. You can't fool me, I'm your mother and I'll stay that way until I die! There lies in you an immense pain of inferiority that you alone cause by repeatedly trying to cling to your motherly feeling! He will come when you do not even expect it, when you will not find any oasis of hope inside you. You are really afraid to follow your emotions, ideals and to plan a threshold to cross with Alex! The universe brings us life and you should never be afraid to look at it, to beg it and follow your dreams, to become the woman you are again! Alex told me about a doctor here in town. Why didn't you go to him, Ioana? Maybe a piece of advice, a word from him, will be useful to you! ”, Said Mrs. Geta.
"Good mother, I will try to escape from me, from the body that begins to gather me even if it is so fragile! The suffering that lies in me is caused by my guilt and I promise you that I will try to move forward without force, without being haunted by the woman I once was! I promise you and I promise you all, mother, that I will recover! ”, Ioana answered with tears in her eyes.
But Ioana's mother had remained in her heart with the vague impression that her daughter's words had been uttered only to protect her. No matter how hard Ioana tried to hide the depression that had taken over her brain, she did not escape the vigilance of her mother who watched her every movement and trembling of her hand, every muscle of her face that sometimes contracted suddenly causing a grin in her corner. upper lip and a grimace in the corner of his mouth. Sometimes she would catch her daughter in tears and then, in her turn, Mrs. Geta would burst into tears in the corners of the apartment, in places where no one could see her, not knowing how to help her dear child.
Ioana's colleagues called Alex and asked what was going on with his wife who had become extremely apathetic and irascible at school. Equally thoughtful were the naughty students who saw their favorite teacher always thoughtful and sad. Many times, waking Ioana out of bed before she left for school was a real torment, and she felt guilty looking at Alex, who, waiting for her to finish dressing, was always late for high school because of her. They left in silence, holding hands, but without that spark of beauty and youth that had always guided them. They arrived at Ioana's school and she hurried inside, forgetting to kiss her husband or wish him: "I go to work!" ... Over all this, everything around them indicated a certain indifference of Ioana that deepened their abyss. in which they were sinking more and more every day ... They were already submerged to the waist, there was little left and they could not breathe freely.
Both Ioana and Alex seemed extremely disturbed and this detail was visible to the naked eye, nothing was the same as before ...
The closet had not been arranged for months, the unbroken clothes were flowing through all sorts of corners of the house, and Mrs. Geta had found the dishes in the kitchen in an indescribable mess. Even the flowers of the house desperately asked for help, many of them had died in their pots waiting for Ioana or Alex to give them some water. They lived in their world and Mrs. Geta had to do something concrete, so she decided to stay with Ioana and Alex until her daughter recovered and was on her feet again. A few days after Ioana's parents arrived, Mr. Costel had returned alone to village D.
The house, which remained in Mrs. Geta's hands, began to come to life as the general cleaning was completed, and she began to feel useful in her daughter's marriage.
The two young men were coming from work and their home was waiting for them happy and smiling, smelling of food. Ioana seemed to have begun to recover, and they had begun to rediscover their nest.
One day, Alex, Ioana and Mrs. Geta had gone to Dr. H's office. After a preliminary consultation, he informed Ioana that she had a chance to get pregnant, only that she would have to be patient. Ioana fell in love with that doctor from the first eye contact, a magnetic state had been established between them involuntarily, difficult to discern, which had awakened in her soul the feeling of responsibility.
The doctor had pointed out to her that she had neglected herself for a long time physically and mentally, and that only by eliminating these inner states would she be able to achieve her goal.
Ioana had been offered a shoulder to reunite and regained the confidence she had lost in her strength. Alex was also reborn, and he had begun to relax, posing in total calm, wonderful for the woman in front of him, who had become old Ioana again ...
,, I sought relief and understanding, where there was no power to fight! I was wrong! I pressed her with my questions and answers! My old Ioana has come back and faith has settled in us ... We will fight together! ”, Alex thought in his mind.
The three of them were at dinner one evening, when suddenly Ioana said, looking into each other's eyes:
"Alex, I want us to go to the orphanage tomorrow, to start the adoption of a baby. The first child who will look at us will be the one who will accompany us from that moment on, offering us the role of parents! How about this? I know you want us to take this step too! ”, Said Ioana, kissing him on the lips ...
"It will be the way we want it, Ioana!", Alex answered enthusiastically. It had been their first kiss after a difficult period in which Ioana had entered that shadow cone, an interval now exceeded, with the arrival of her mother in their house.
"But why don't you wait for treatment, my dear children?" Why are you in a hurry? It is an important decision in your life and you have to analyze in detail absolutely everything that is going to happen later! ”, Said Mrs. Geta ...
"No, mother, it's been our decision for a long time! Even though I never wanted to admit that I would like to help an innocent soul, deprived of mother and father, now I do nothing but listen to my heart! And my heart tells me that I can love an abandoned child just as intensely. Alex and I will save a baby, and he, in turn, will save us. It will be mutual love, hope, our return to the love that lies in us! ”, Ioana answered ...
The next day, little Petra would wait for them with open arms at the orphanage. She, the little blonde with blue eyes, was the first child to raise her hands towards them when they entered the room full of cribs where dozens of children were crying, waiting for a caress. Determined, at the sound of the door opening with a sound that betrayed the creaking rust of the hinges, Petra rose to her feet, clutching the bars of the bed, stretching out her hands and looking at her future blue parents with her big blue eyes. Did Petra know that Ioana and Alex would become her mother and father? Did she sense that she would find solace in those people? Not known! What is certain is that she was the only one in that room full of children who paid attention to them and that beautiful smile that won them over ...
,, Petra, she has a problem with one leg! It's not going well, but there are also perfectly healthy children here! ”, Said the director of the orphanage ...
"It doesn't matter to us! She is chosen, we fell in love with her from the first playful smile! Anyway, she got up alone in the crib, so she is a fighter and we will surely be able to cure her ", Ioana answered ...
"These adoptions take time! I am waiting for you to submit to the file all the documents we talked about and we will meet again in 3 weeks! You can visit Petra every weekend! Truly, she is lucky, both of her parents died within a year, one after the other!
Too bad she came from a poor family, but they loved her very much! But the relatives did not want her and so Petra came to us! May it be a good time for her and for you! ”, The director told them ...
She left the two with the adorable Petra for half an hour, during which time Ioana and Alex took her in their arms and played with her. They realized that the moment they accidentally touched her right foot, Petrei was shedding tears on her cheek ... But there were only tears, she was not crying. Her face, like a monument of grief, was unaltered by the joy of the child who did not want to leave the arms of the two.
"We will do you good, my dear! You will be able to walk just like any other child! I promise you, Petra! ”, Alex said in the girl's ear with eyes the color of a clear sky ...
( will follow...)
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